The Glitter Bowl

Every year a straight friend and I usually bet on SuperBowl bet.  The lead up to the bet usually requires me to spend a good 30 minutes "boning" up on teams, quarterbacks, and tight-ends (ED: that is more than enough homo-erotic lingo for one paragraph).

But this year – in deciding which team to support I have decided to create an evaluative framework from which to analyze available data before making an informed decision as to which franchise I will be cheering for on Superbowl Sunday. 

Both teams, the New England Patriots and NY Giants (which for the unenlightened are different from the San Francisco Giants) were evaluated over 5 categories; each categorywas assigned a weighted average and a corresponding number of points for a total mark out of 100. 

The categories are:

1)      Hottie Matrix (50 Points) – attractiveness of the team.  Points are awarded as follows: 10 points for each teammate I would "bone" with a 10 point bonus for overall team bonability.  The maximum marks given are 50+10. 

2)      Pop-culture reverence (10 Points) – where does the team sit in pop culture?  What is the impact of each team on pop culture?

3)      LGBT equality stance (30 Points) – Support of players, owners and staff towards LGBT equality

4)      Political relevance (5 Points)-  an outgrowth of LGBT
equality stance each team will be marked for their commitment to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness

5)      Philanthropic support (5 Points) – What is the teams philanthropic involvement

Point Spread:

1)      Hottie  Matrix (Out of 50):

Obviously judging only via physical appearance Tom Brady has almost every other NFL player beat.  The Giants make a rousing attempt of attractiveness with their Tight End (no pun intended) Jake Ballard who is decently attractive; however, the one-two punch of  Brady and Patriots Tight End (who knew?) Rob Gronkowski would imply that overall – the Patriots put the F in JILFs (Jocks I’d Like to…).

Patriots: 20+10 = 30

Giants: 10

2)      Pop-Culture Reverence

By dating a supermodel and having adorably cute children it appears as if that Brady has this one locked down.  The Giants get points for the Manning family factor, but Peyton being the more beloved of the brothers doesn’t really help. 

Patriots: 8

Giants: 5

3)      LGBT Equality Stance (Out of 30)

This is an interesting category:

-          Both teams play in gay-friendly states where LGBT marriage is legal – Massachusetts and New York (well New Jersey but…) +5 to both
-          Owners – both owners have been very friendly to gay fans:       

o   Steve Tisch made a marriage equality commercial during last year’s debate in New York: +10

o   Bob Kraft is a known supporter of marriage equality and the New England Patriots who became the very first NFL team to become a sponsor of GAY BOWL:+5

-          Players:

o   former Giant Michael Strahan made a LGBT equality video for NY State Marriage equality +10

o   Brett Lockett, of the Patriots, made a NOH8 advertisement+5

Giants: 25

Patriots: 15

4)      Political Relevance: Both Robert Kraft and Jonathan Tisch have donated $5,000 to Obama. I’m calling this a draw.

Patriots: 5

Giants: 5

5)      Philanthropic pursuits: before she died Myra Kraft was known to have helped give away $100 million of the Kraft family money.  While the Tisch’s have endowed more then their share of New York institutions.  The tip of the hat here goes to Giants head coach: Tom Coughlin.

Patriots: 4
Giants : 5

TOTAL:

Patriots: 63

Giants: 40

In conclusion – while the giants have scored highly in some areas of this evaluative framework – the powerful combination of Tom Brady and his affiliation with Giselle are too much for the Giants.  While the giants are strong in certain areas of this framework – the top performanceof the patriots in all areas clearly overwhelms areas where the Giants have strongholds. 

My extra firm (and I do mean firm) support is with the Tom Brady and the Patriots.