Thursday, July 15, 2010

Where Are All the Hottie Politicians?

When I tell people that my mother is a mainiac, and that she’s also from Maine (so shoot me if I’ve used that line before)… everyone’s all like, oh so does that make you American? Why yes, that does make me an American, this also means that yes I can vote in American elections (Palin 2012!). And yes I am proud to be an Amrican [sic], cause there ain’t no doubt I love this land [insert crescendo] God Bless the USA! During the Bush years admitting my greenback status elicited the usual round of sympathy; most people would always shudder and default to the, “thank god Canadians have better politicians.” Shit got all turned upside down once a little man by the name of Barack entered the scene and Canadians were suddenly green with Obama-envy. But secretly I’ve always enjoyed American politics more.

Why? Because in the States there are hottie politicians.

First of all hottie politicians in America are not a new phenomena. Have you seen old photos of the Kennedy boys wearing prancing around Nantucket? May as well lock the bathroom door for an hour and call it a day. Even Teddy Roosevelt, the original rough rider, was easy on the eyes back in his youth.

Today of course American is crawling with hottie’s involved in public service.

Take San Francisco mayor Gavin Newsom, or should I say Grab me Some. Dear Gavin, if we get married and have children, I will let you tweet from under our chuppah.
Gavin Newsom Tweeted from his wife's hospital room during birth. What's not to love about a guy who enjoys social media?

Or what about my current boyfriend, Republican Congressman Aaron Schock (take away the S and H and you get…). Bitch has a six-pack and has more gingham paraphernalia then I do. Ten bucks he also has a J. Crew credit card.

Meaning he is both hot and a good dresser. Aaron, call me. Who cares that you’re a) a Republican, b) from Peoria, Illinois and c) a Republican. Party affiliations are minor things when it comes to love especially when we can bond over our love of J. Crew.

Of course I’m not just interested in hottie male politicians (fine, I am). I’m sure there are some hottie females out there, with the exclusion of Elena Kagan, bless her heart. Capitol Hill newspaper The Hill even publishes a list of the 50 Most Beautiful People working on the Hill every year. Unsurprisingly (or perhaps surprisingly) the majority are Democrats (30 vs 14). The Hill Times, Parliament Hill’s newspaper of note, would be lucky to publish 20 hottest people in Canadian politics, dead or alive. Belinda and Peter MacKay’s brief and disasterous love affair was the closest thing we’ve come to hottie drama.

So why is our lack of hottie politicians a concern? According to Israeli research, academia which I refuse to boycott simply because they’re ya know part of some sort of apartheid state, the hotter a politician is the more press they get. That’s right people, the lack of political engagement in our country’s political system may be in fact due to our ugly politicians. Is it possible that people don’t vote in elections because the leader’s of our two largest political parties look like Mr. Burns and the Pillsbury Dough Boy?

So dear friends, Romans and countrymen, I ask the salient: why do we not have any hottie politicians?

I propose that we have a Hottie Rule, its sort of like how former Liberal leader Stephane Dion wanted to set a 33% minimum target for female candidates. Only instead of a female quota, we need a hottie quota. A hottie quote recognizes that there are barriers to entry when it comes to hottie politicians deciding to run for office. Canadians need to recognize that hottie’s are people too, they want to contribute to society and they don’t people thinking that they are stupid simply because they are hot.

So there you have it Canadians. Its time to stand up and reject the ugliness that pervades our House of Commons and vote for the hot people. So next federal election, which at this point could come any day now, don’t vote based on your party affiliation; vote based on your panty affiliation. Vote Hot! Because what’s the worst that could happen, another Harper minority?


  1. I think this is the ticket. One small amendment to your compelling piece, however... You'll no doubt be amused to know that our beloved Hill Times does, in fact, anoint someone Canada's sexiest MP every year, 18 years running. If you don't believe me here's the link:

    Skipping past the boring effective MP stuff to questions 12 and 13 to see the best Cda has to offer.

  2. Thanks Alison. I didn't know that... but still... Canada's JT holds not a candle to the American one ;)

  3. If you need your ex-girlfriend or ex-boyfriend to come crawling back to you on their knees (even if they're dating somebody else now) you got to watch this video
    right away...

    (VIDEO) Have your ex CRAWLING back to you...?